I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
