he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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