Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize