I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize