Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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