if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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