I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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