you turned your livingroom into a bong?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
