If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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