thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
