just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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