So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
