so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
