apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You were trust falling into bushes
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
