Already got asked if we're dating
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
When did angry sex become our thing?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
