i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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