Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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