My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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