just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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