I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
