My sheets look like a crime scene.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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