Girls should come with a carfax report
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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