Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
