I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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