I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
