her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
