If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
