Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Houston, we have a squirter
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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