Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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