i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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