You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Damn victory sex feels great
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize