where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize