Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
