he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
