youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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