When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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