Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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