I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
we made out on top of his cat.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He did a backflip because drugs
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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