Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
