I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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