Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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