Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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