Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
im calling her cock vulture from now on
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
