Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
