Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
