guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
There's always time for handjobs
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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