I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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