i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
