went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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