OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I deserve this hangover.
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