Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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