If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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