When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
