epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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