the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
