you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
