The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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