Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It's rum buckets o'clock
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize