She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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