Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
